Culinary State Of Emergency At Nation’s Ballparks

BREAKING NEWS:
The United States Department of Disaster Relief has issued a warning of Severe Danger to Health and Pocketbook at the following two Major League Baseball stadiums:

The 8 Pound Strasburger, named after a Washington Nationals pitcher.

The 1lb "Champion Dog"

Ball Park at Arlington

$26

2-3000 Calories

North Korea expelled from AXIS OF EVIL

North Korea suffered another blow to its prestige as it was expelled from the Axis of Evil.

The decision was announced by the presiding Chairman of the Axis of Evil, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who cited as the reason for the expulsion North Korea’s evident “lack of evil.”

“There are a lot of evil countries out there, Iran for one, who are trying to terrify the world by developing nuclear weapons,” he said. 

 “When North Korea launches a so-called ‘rocket’ and it goes about twenty feet before blowing up, that just makes it harder for the rest of us.”

Story by Borowitz

Illustration by Chadwick

Gasoline Prices: New Study Revealed!

"As the political rhetoric heats up, there's something puzzling about drilling inside the United States. Essentially, it doesn't reduce what we pay at the pump. From the article, 'A statistical analysis of 36 years of monthly, inflation-adjusted gasoline prices and U.S. domestic oil production by The Associated Press shows no statistical correlation between how much oil comes out of U.S. wells and the price at the pump.' If the promises that politicians made when they opened U.S. drilling were true, then we should be paying about $2 a gallon now. Instead it's $4 a gallon. Minnesota Public Radio pulls some choice quotes from both parties and wonders why this decades-old empirical observation goes seemingly completely unnoticed."

Today's Moment Of Zen

Bathroom Stall Zen

Exclusive Romney Etch A Sketch News

“A short time ago, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul got a can of mace.”

Joke by Conan O’Brien, Illustration by Bill Ashworth

Conressman Allen West Dilusional Loses Touch With History

These Republican doomsayers are making me weary. Florida's Allen West  complains that it now costs $70 to fill his gas guzzling Hummer.

I took the time to do the math. In July, 2008 when his car was new and his good old boy George W. Bush was president, an identical fill-up would have cost $77. Where was the outrage then?

Alligator vs. Crocodile: What's The Difference ?

An alligator has a rounded snout at the end of its face; the crocodile's face is pointed.

When an alligator is grown up, you cannot see any of its teeth when its mouth is closed; you can see the crocodile's fourthtooth on either side of its jaw when its mouth is closed. In other words, you can "C" the crocodiles teeth!

For a short video, check out this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DRldy_diumkHow can you tell an alligator from a crocodile?

Jeremy Lin "Linstant Breaking News "

Richard Roeper reports:

True story. A young woman recently held up a sign at a Knicks game that read: “Jeremy, I Want You Lin-Side Me.”

Somewhere, her parents were saying, “No, we don’t have any kids.”

 

Geese Scarecrows

In our neighborhood, coyote scarecrows are pretty ineffective. It looks like the larger, scarier model at the local hospital works about the same.