Billy Chicago's Top Tweets of The Week

borowitzreport: Andy Borowitz

BREAKING: Rick Perry Receives Endorsement from Ancient Mayan Prophets: "The Right Man for 2012"

lizzwinstead: Lizz Winstead

Is there any way to permanently remove the people who attend GOP debates from every jury pool in America?

richardroeper: Richard Roeper

A man is putting his life on the line for our country, and you're going to boo him because he's gay? Assholes.

shannynmoore: Shannyn Moore

Michele Bachmann is like a crazy eyed Chatty Cathy Doll that keeps pulling her own string.

AlbertBrooks: Albert Brooks

Just hit by a piece of NASA satellite. If USA had any money I'd sue.

Canada will build border fence if Perry is elected

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) – Canada warned today that if Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) is elected President of the United States in 2012, it would take the “regrettably necessary step” of constructing a 20-foot fence along its entire border with the U.S.
“This is a step that we don’t take lightly,” said Canadian Border Security Minister Ian McLarrity.  “However, we must protect ourselves from the prospect of millions of Americans pouring over the border.”
Mr. McLarrity said that Canadian border officials were alarmed by the volume of panicky comments regarding Americans’ migratory plans in the event of a Perry win posted on websites ranging from National Public Radio to Huffington Post.
“We are taking this threat very seriously,” he said.  “We will electrify the fence if necessary.”

Breaking News: Poverty

Nearly 1-in-6 Americans lives in poverty.

That means they have dial-up Internet, an unheated swimming pool, and a smart phone that’s more than a year old.

Open Enrollment: Make The Best Choices For You And Your Family

Open Enrollment (sometimes called open season or annual enrollment) is a period of time when employees of companies may make changes to their employee benefits package.
All employees should take extra care in order to select choices that provide the best results for themselves and their families. Too often, the lowest cost choice is not the best.

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Get Em While They're Hot. How The Hot Dog Got Its Name.

The term 'hot dog' is popularly believed to have been coined during a baseball game between the New York Yankees and the Giants in 1901. It was a chilly day and concessionaire Harry Stevens decided to buy up all the dachshund sausages he could find, his vendors offering them for sale with the following cry: "They're red hot! Get your dachshund sausages while they're red hot!" Observing the vendors, newspaper cartoonist T. A. Dorgan sketched a dachshund dog inside an elongated roll and, apparently unable to spell "dachshund," used the caption "hot dog" instead, a term that quickly caught on. This also reflected the suspicion at the time that the best cuts of meat weren't always finding their way into the cheap sausages, which, for all one knew, might actually contain dog meat. Whatever they contained, hot dogs clearly didn't taste too bad as consumption of them never let up. Manufacturers of frankfurters initially tried to avoid the term but, with anti-German sentiment running high during the Second World War (see also French toast and Salisbury steak), "frankfurter" was dropped in favor of "hot dog"* and, under this name, quickly rose to become the American icon it is today. Footnote: During the First World War, dachshunds (the actual dogs, that is) had been renamed "liberty pups."

Republican Debate Highlights!

Among the debate’s highlights, the Republican candidates took pains to enumerate their plentiful broods of children, which added up to a number slightly greater than the population of China.

For his part, Gov. Perry of Texas made the biggest impression by questioning the existence of Social Security, climate change, earth, wind and fire.

Also notable were his pro-execution comments, which tonight won him the coveted endorsement of the National Association of Electric Chair Manufacturers.

"We don't have high unemployment in Texas," he noted with pride, "because if you don't have a job, we kill you."

Why do so many people have a fear of clowns? Can it be cured?

Absolutely no doubt exists that many, many, people have a fear of clowns. Why is that the case? Is there anything that can be done about it? Can it be cured?

Experts don't agree on the cause and cures are equally open for debate.

Clowns visit hospitals with the aim of bringing cheer to sick children. The clowns have learned to wait outside the doorway in order to first judge if the clown is welcome.

Well-known celebrities have "no clown" clauses inserted into their concert contracts. Even Bart Simpson is famous for this line. "Can't sleep. Clown will eat me".

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