Billy Chicago's Top Tweets of The Week

borowitzreport: Andy Borowitz

BREAKING: Rick Perry Receives Endorsement from Ancient Mayan Prophets: "The Right Man for 2012"

lizzwinstead: Lizz Winstead

Is there any way to permanently remove the people who attend GOP debates from every jury pool in America?

richardroeper: Richard Roeper

A man is putting his life on the line for our country, and you're going to boo him because he's gay? Assholes.

shannynmoore: Shannyn Moore

Michele Bachmann is like a crazy eyed Chatty Cathy Doll that keeps pulling her own string.

AlbertBrooks: Albert Brooks

Just hit by a piece of NASA satellite. If USA had any money I'd sue.

Canada will build border fence if Perry is elected

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) – Canada warned today that if Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) is elected President of the United States in 2012, it would take the “regrettably necessary step” of constructing a 20-foot fence along its entire border with the U.S.
“This is a step that we don’t take lightly,” said Canadian Border Security Minister Ian McLarrity.  “However, we must protect ourselves from the prospect of millions of Americans pouring over the border.”
Mr. McLarrity said that Canadian border officials were alarmed by the volume of panicky comments regarding Americans’ migratory plans in the event of a Perry win posted on websites ranging from National Public Radio to Huffington Post.
“We are taking this threat very seriously,” he said.  “We will electrify the fence if necessary.”

Breaking News: Poverty

Nearly 1-in-6 Americans lives in poverty.

That means they have dial-up Internet, an unheated swimming pool, and a smart phone that’s more than a year old.

Open Enrollment: Make The Best Choices For You And Your Family

Open Enrollment (sometimes called open season or annual enrollment) is a period of time when employees of companies may make changes to their employee benefits package.
All employees should take extra care in order to select choices that provide the best results for themselves and their families. Too often, the lowest cost choice is not the best.

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Get Em While They're Hot. How The Hot Dog Got Its Name.

The term 'hot dog' is popularly believed to have been coined during a baseball game between the New York Yankees and the Giants in 1901. It was a chilly day and concessionaire Harry Stevens decided to buy up all the dachshund sausages he could find, his vendors offering them for sale with the following cry: "They're red hot! Get your dachshund sausages while they're red hot!" Observing the vendors, newspaper cartoonist T. A. Dorgan sketched a dachshund dog inside an elongated roll and, apparently unable to spell "dachshund," used the caption "hot dog" instead, a term that quickly caught on. This also reflected the suspicion at the time that the best cuts of meat weren't always finding their way into the cheap sausages, which, for all one knew, might actually contain dog meat. Whatever they contained, hot dogs clearly didn't taste too bad as consumption of them never let up. Manufacturers of frankfurters initially tried to avoid the term but, with anti-German sentiment running high during the Second World War (see also French toast and Salisbury steak), "frankfurter" was dropped in favor of "hot dog"* and, under this name, quickly rose to become the American icon it is today. Footnote: During the First World War, dachshunds (the actual dogs, that is) had been renamed "liberty pups."

Republican Debate Highlights!

Among the debate’s highlights, the Republican candidates took pains to enumerate their plentiful broods of children, which added up to a number slightly greater than the population of China.

For his part, Gov. Perry of Texas made the biggest impression by questioning the existence of Social Security, climate change, earth, wind and fire.

Also notable were his pro-execution comments, which tonight won him the coveted endorsement of the National Association of Electric Chair Manufacturers.

"We don't have high unemployment in Texas," he noted with pride, "because if you don't have a job, we kill you."

Why do so many people have a fear of clowns? Can it be cured?

Absolutely no doubt exists that many, many, people have a fear of clowns. Why is that the case? Is there anything that can be done about it? Can it be cured?

Experts don't agree on the cause and cures are equally open for debate.

Clowns visit hospitals with the aim of bringing cheer to sick children. The clowns have learned to wait outside the doorway in order to first judge if the clown is welcome.

Well-known celebrities have "no clown" clauses inserted into their concert contracts. Even Bart Simpson is famous for this line. "Can't sleep. Clown will eat me".

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Guess Who Loves Cheney's New Book

Cheney’s Book Features Foreword by Satan
‘Couldn’t Put it Down,’ Says Prince of Darkness

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Publishing circles were abuzz today with the news that the new memoir by former Vice President Dick Cheney features a foreword by an unusual contributor: Satan.

In his introduction, the Prince of Darkness said he rarely reads political memoirs but made an exception in the case of Mr. Cheney “because we had worked so closely together in the past.”

When he began to read the Cheney manuscript, however, the Lord of Misrule said he was “surprised” by what he found.

“Quite honestly, I couldn’t put it down,” Satan wrote. “It was almost like a book I would have written myself.”

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Exclusive Photo: Condolezza Rice Describes Unwelcome Romantic Advance By Gadhafi

Gadhafi Found Hiding In Plain Sight

Virginia Earthquake Exclusive Damage Photo

“Let The Wiener Wars Begin”

And with those words, during the dogs days of summer, yesterday marked the the opening of the Chicago trial between Sara Lee, which makes Ball Park franks, and Kraft, which owns Oscar Mayer.

The pair of giants are battling over such meaty issues as which company can rightfully claim to make the “best” hot dog, as well as what it means to sell a hot dog as “100 percent beef” or “all beef” and whether that’s as honest as saying “made with 100 percent beef”.

Of real note however, is the witness list. Scheduled to to testify as an expert on "exposure issues" is former Congressman Anthony Weiner.

Apologies To My Wealthy Friends

My sincere apologies for not consoling you last week on your huge stock market losses. I was very busy juggling my budget in order to buy both food and gas (:

Ames Straw Poll Triggers S & P Downgrade

Andy Borowitz reports:

Calling the results of today's Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ.

“This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman. “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.”

How to Read A Compass. Compass Types.

Together they form the first of the time-tested Ten Essentials—map and compass, the indispensible twin tools of navigation. Even in this high-tech GPS era, nothing replaces the value of a magnetized compass, a paper map and the understanding of how both can help you find your way in the wilderness.

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G-Mail Inches Toward The Modern Age, Introduces Preview Pane

Gmail is taking a few cues from its tablet apps with Preview Pane, Google's newest Gmail Labs feature.

Preview Pane, which is now available in Gmail Labs, allows users to simultaneously preview parts of an email while reading or replying to others. Users of Gmail for iPad or Android will instantly recognize the interface -- its design is directly inspired by the email service's mobile web apps.

Activating Preview Pane opens up a three-window panel for Gmail, with the Preview Pane in between the navigation and email panes. Activating the horizontal split places the preview pane at the top and emails below the preview pane. Users can change pane settings with a button that appears on the top right corner of Gmail. Google's Official Gmail Blog suggests that users with higher-resolution screens will get the most out of the feature.

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NJ Sex Sting In The Last Place Police Would Expect: A Doughnut shop

ROCKAWAY, N.J. — A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.

Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, was arrested after a six week investigation known as "extra sugar" that began when police got a tip that people could go to the Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 and arrange a liason with Redmond.

"I had gotten an anonymous tip," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the investigation. "She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one."

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Top NFL Rookies Find Out How The Rest Of The World Plays

"In the new NFL, the money has been drawn away from the top 10 rookies and will flow to proven veterans," agent David Dunn of Athletes First says, "which, simply put, is logical."

My job and most jobs in the country are jobs where seniority has its place. It was certainly odd seeing a Bradford or a (Matthew) Stafford jump to the very top of the market having never played a game."

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Breaking News Washington: Congress Raises Ceiling

By unanimous vote,  the House of Representatives passed a bill raising Speaker of the House John Boehner’s medication.

Vertigo: What is Vertigo? Diagnosis Cause Symptoms Treatment

Vertigo: What is Vertigo? Diagnosis Cause Symptoms Treatment

What is a sinkhole? Can I get Sinkhole Insurance? Florida Sinkholes! Sinkhole Pictures! Guatemala Sinkholes!

What is a sinkhole? Can I get Sinkhole Insurance? Florida Sinkholes! Sinkhole Pictures! Guatemala Sinkholes!

What will happen if the National Debt Ceiling is not increased.?

What will happen if the National Debt Ceiling is not increased.?

Excessive Heat in New York

David Letterman reports the heat in New York has been so bad, former congressman Anthony Weiner has been sleeping in the same bed with his wife just for the chill.

What will happen if the National Debt Ceiling is not increased.?

What will happen if the National Debt Ceiling is not increased.? 6 Things that could happen if the Federal Debt Ceiling is not increased.
Economy
All leading experts agree. A default would trigger a worldwide catastrophe. The world financial markets would be severely shaken as the United States would tarnish, if not forever lose its image as the shining beacon of stability in a faltering world economy.
Christine Lagard, head of the International Monetary Fund, states that a United States failure to raise the limit could damage the global economy ,saying a default or downgrade of U.S. debt would be "a very, very, very serious event, not just for the United States but for the global economy at large."

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What is Diverticulitis and Diverticulosis? Diagnosis - Treatment - Advice

Many people are confused. Is the correct name Diverticulitis orDiverticulosis? Or is it something else?

Diverticulosis (Also called Divertiular Disease) is the name for a medical condition in which small pouches protrude outward from the colon. Thecolon is also called the large intestine. Each pocket is called aDiverticulum. When more than one pocket is present, they are collectively referred to as Diverticula.

It is estimated roughly 10% or more of all people in the Unites States, age 60 and above suffer from Diverticulosis. 

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Chupacabra Sighting in Texas: Fact or Fiction? What is a Chupacabra? Chupacabra Sightings

The recent possible Chupacabra sighting in Texas is one of many. Is it fact or is it fiction? Read on to make your own conclusion. Be sure not to miss the enlightening video and interview near the end of the article.


What is a Chupacabra?

The story of the Chupacabra is what legends are made of. It is an animal rumored to inhabit North and South America, from Maine in the north to Chile in the south. Sightings were first reported in Puerto Rico in 1995.

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A Summary of Rupert Murdoch’s Troubles.

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably been hearing a lot about Rupert Murdoch in the news recently. Also, if you’re like most people, you don’t really know a lot about him, other than that you’ve probably remember him as being rich and maybe that he made his money owning newspapers and the like. But what’s the short version of all the hoopla? Let’s take a look.

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