Guess Who Loves Cheney's New Book

Cheney’s Book Features Foreword by Satan
‘Couldn’t Put it Down,’ Says Prince of Darkness

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Publishing circles were abuzz today with the news that the new memoir by former Vice President Dick Cheney features a foreword by an unusual contributor: Satan.

In his introduction, the Prince of Darkness said he rarely reads political memoirs but made an exception in the case of Mr. Cheney “because we had worked so closely together in the past.”

When he began to read the Cheney manuscript, however, the Lord of Misrule said he was “surprised” by what he found.

“Quite honestly, I couldn’t put it down,” Satan wrote. “It was almost like a book I would have written myself.”

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Exclusive Photo: Condolezza Rice Describes Unwelcome Romantic Advance By Gadhafi

Gadhafi Found Hiding In Plain Sight

Virginia Earthquake Exclusive Damage Photo

“Let The Wiener Wars Begin”

And with those words, during the dogs days of summer, yesterday marked the the opening of the Chicago trial between Sara Lee, which makes Ball Park franks, and Kraft, which owns Oscar Mayer.

The pair of giants are battling over such meaty issues as which company can rightfully claim to make the “best” hot dog, as well as what it means to sell a hot dog as “100 percent beef” or “all beef” and whether that’s as honest as saying “made with 100 percent beef”.

Of real note however, is the witness list. Scheduled to to testify as an expert on "exposure issues" is former Congressman Anthony Weiner.

Apologies To My Wealthy Friends

My sincere apologies for not consoling you last week on your huge stock market losses. I was very busy juggling my budget in order to buy both food and gas (:

Ames Straw Poll Triggers S & P Downgrade

Andy Borowitz reports:

Calling the results of today's Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ.

“This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman. “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.”

How to Read A Compass. Compass Types.

Together they form the first of the time-tested Ten Essentials—map and compass, the indispensible twin tools of navigation. Even in this high-tech GPS era, nothing replaces the value of a magnetized compass, a paper map and the understanding of how both can help you find your way in the wilderness.

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G-Mail Inches Toward The Modern Age, Introduces Preview Pane

Gmail is taking a few cues from its tablet apps with Preview Pane, Google's newest Gmail Labs feature.

Preview Pane, which is now available in Gmail Labs, allows users to simultaneously preview parts of an email while reading or replying to others. Users of Gmail for iPad or Android will instantly recognize the interface -- its design is directly inspired by the email service's mobile web apps.

Activating Preview Pane opens up a three-window panel for Gmail, with the Preview Pane in between the navigation and email panes. Activating the horizontal split places the preview pane at the top and emails below the preview pane. Users can change pane settings with a button that appears on the top right corner of Gmail. Google's Official Gmail Blog suggests that users with higher-resolution screens will get the most out of the feature.

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NJ Sex Sting In The Last Place Police Would Expect: A Doughnut shop

ROCKAWAY, N.J. — A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.

Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, was arrested after a six week investigation known as "extra sugar" that began when police got a tip that people could go to the Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 and arrange a liason with Redmond.

"I had gotten an anonymous tip," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the investigation. "She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one."

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Top NFL Rookies Find Out How The Rest Of The World Plays

"In the new NFL, the money has been drawn away from the top 10 rookies and will flow to proven veterans," agent David Dunn of Athletes First says, "which, simply put, is logical."

My job and most jobs in the country are jobs where seniority has its place. It was certainly odd seeing a Bradford or a (Matthew) Stafford jump to the very top of the market having never played a game."

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